Hoarder of the rings
by loz1
Summary: Spoof of u know what


Hoard-er of the rings Fellowship of the donut ring.  
  
Bobo was a strange short fellow with freaky eyes that could stretch to the moon and back and a strange fetish for donuts and twenty p machine rings. He was abandoned at a circus because his parents couldn't even look at him. Luckily he grew up to be an act in the circus. Bobo the clown had many an act including taking his eyes out and juggling them, Showing his scary freakishly big feet to the audience (although they lost a lot of customers from that act.) but his favourite act was falling over without hurting himself. People would come from all over the world to see the amazing "falling Bobo the clown". He could fall up to 42 times in one half-hour show. Alf, or Grand Alf as Bobo called him, was the ringmaster of the circus. He looked after Bobo as though he was his own son.  
  
One icy, cold, November morning, actually it was just a bit nippish.so one "just a bit nippish" November Morning, Grand Alf was hanging decorations on the tight rope above the shark infested paddling pool when he slipped on a large blob of jam from Bobo's donut and fell to his doom into the shark infested paddling pool. He put up a fight and struggled to overcome the sharks. Just before he died he tossed out his most prized possession, his glistening gold ring. It rolled along the canvas floor and stopped in front of Bobo's feet. It had been saved, or so you would have thought. But Bobo picked it up and threw it back to Grand Alf who was now dead in the paddling pool.  
  
Luckily Lego-Las Vegas yet another freak saw what had happened and called the paramedics. The paramedics arrived two hours later and tried to resuscitate Grand Alf who was now in 687.9 pieces, but to no avail. The paramedics took Bobo to one side and gently explained that Grand Alf was dead. "But he was just swimming with the dolphins. He told me that was his ambition." Bobo blubbed.  
  
Three weeks later Bobo started to talk again. Lego-Las Vegas was his best friend, although he always used up all of the conditioner on his freakishly long blond hair. Lego-Las Vegas-let's call him legilooloo was abandoned as a child as well. His parents Mr and Mrs Vegas, who were gamblers, left him at the circus with a note on the back of a beer mat and half a tin of condensed milk. The note read:  
  
Howdy Alf,  
This is Lego-Las. He is two months old. We have no money to support him any longer and have to try to escape some lone sharks that have been chasing us for three hours. Please look after him. He does look a little like a freak with those elf ears so maybe you could incorporate him into one of your acts. We have left sufficient food for approximately Five days I think. If, when he grows up, he ever wants to contact us then. er.he can't. Bye. Forever. Mr and Mrs. Vegas.  
  
Back to Bobo. When he started to talk again he told the tale of a dream he had been having. In the dream Grandalf looked as though he was levitating and was calling to Bobo to "GET THE RING". Fog surrounded him and as it drifted past, Bobo saw Grandalf was sitting on a stair lift.  
  
"Stop looking at that Bobo and get on the move. You need to find my ring. You are the only one who can save the world, oh shit we're doomed.oh err. Good luck my son. Goodbye"  
  
As Bobo sat in his bed he wondered what his strange dream could mean.  
  
"Get the god damn ring you thick little Muppet, It's in the shark".  
  
Legilooloo didn't know what the dream could mean either but his friend Gollum would know. He was from Manchester though so it would be difficult trying to understand him. He used to be in the circus but left about a thousand years before Bobo got there. His mother and father were also brother and sister, which was why he turned out the way he did. "Where ever will we find him?" Bobo asked. "We shall travel to the place we call.the chippie." Legilooloo said.  
  
Bobo and Legilooloo were in the queue in the chippie when Bobo noticed a twenty-p machine with rings in. He got his asda bag out of his pocket and went over to the machine where he begun to put twenty p after twenty p in the machine until he had two pieces of second hand bubble gum, one take that pencil sharpener, four false teeth and 73 rings. Finally Legilooloo was at the front of the queue.  
  
"Jwe jare jkout huof yfish" Gollum said under his red and yellow greasy cap. "klOh, yits dfyou. SrHow miyou pbeen?"  
  
"Apparently Bobo, he says he is out of fish, He also is happy to see us and thinks your haircut suits your face shape. Will you join us on our quest to find the ring Gollum?"  
  
"Gyuf dhg dhf hg jhsut hrg jdyy oewu qponm bcxdaz wehhj jkg ajtg wqkn jhg schwa"  
  
"Oh, he says he has got next Thursday off but can't really pencil us in till then." Legilooloo proceeded to tell Gollum about Bobo's dream about Grand Alf. He said that it probably meant that Grand Alf had a secret gay crush on Bobo.  
  
"Ohhhhhh, I see, that makes sense." Bobo said.  
  
Bobo and Legilooloo were on their way back from the chippie when Bobo noticed a big red sign outside Macponalds (Maccy Ps to Bobo and freaks.. I mean friends!) On the sign was an enormous golden, glistening ring-Donut ring that is. Below the picture was written "This ring shall tempt the most strong a character, the most stable friendship shall break beneath it and the kindest fellow will be overflowing with greed for it. ONLY 99p see in store for details, batteries not required. Only one per customer, terms and conditions apply."  
  
"Shall we look inside?" Legilooloo asked as he looked behind him to see the automatic doors-ca chh. -Already open and Bobo already had one of his enormous hairy feet in the door. As they reached the till Bobo noticed it was his friend Dave the witch doctor behind the counter. They met in the woods, whilst Bobo was on a Boy Scout camping trip.  
  
"Oo-ah-oo-ah-ah-ting-tang-can-I-take-your-or-der? Oh its you Bobo how you been?" "Fine thanks, except Grand Alf is dead, I have to save the world and I've broken my fingernail." As Bobo explained what was the problem and about his dream the queue began to grow and grow. At the back of the queue a woman dressed in white raised her arms and the floor began to shake, light surrounded her. "Calm down you impatient bitch" Dave shouted as he stretched over the counter. "Don't worry. It's just Galadriel; she's always got her mind reading, spoilt brat knickers in a twist. She thinks the sun shines out of her arse.well it does but .still."  
  
They explained the dream to Dave and he explained it meant that Bobo was the only Muppet that could save the world from mass destruction. The ring was very powerful and if it gets into the wrong hands it could be fatal. He must find the ring wherever it is and return it to the grand Master that lives at the top of Mt. Coercion, at the top of the coercion tower, otherwise known as Clive. Also the shark reference could refer to the ring or to the new shark plastic toy available with the chicken nugget happy chappy meal.  
  
"What ring could he mean?" thought Bobo," the Only rings I know about are donut rings. By golly that's it." "Can we have two sugar ring donuts please" Bobo said. "Sorry we only have one sugar donut left the rest are #Que scary music- dadada# cinnamon" "Oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"Bobo said  
  
Legilooloo and Bobo sat opposite each other on one of the wobbly tables with the donut strategically placed in the centre of the table. After fighting for some time Legilooloo, who's not just a pretty face, came up with an idea. "What can we do?" Bobo sniffed. "We can take the donut to the Grand master Clive who lives on that big hill or whatever." Legilooloo gleamed.  
  
Dave, Legilooloo and Bobo set out on a journey through desert snow and neighbours back gardens to get to Clive's pad. Bobo fell over a total of 7812686296 times. Then they reached Mt. Coercion. Bobo fell over and started to roll down the mountain luckily he didn't roll too far. The others got well pissed off with him when they reached the top and Bobo fell over again. They got so pissed off they ended up kicking him down the mountain. Then realised he had the donut ring and had to run down after him.  
  
When they reached the bottom Bobo's rolling was stopped by a ski lift. By now the fellowship was so pissed off that all they could do was break into song. (Que Sophie Ellis Bexter music.) Take me home, take me home. I don't deserve a TRIP LIKE THIS. Take me home, take me ho-oo-ommmmmmmmeeeeeee. (OPM) (Legilooloo solo) If I die before I get there  
At least in heaven I can spend my days brushing my hair.  
Right now on earth I can't do jack  
Cos the shampoo thief Bobo is a twat. (City high music) What would you do if you had no life And the worlds going down And the only way to save it is with A little guy called Bobo the clown. (Dave's solo) So for you this is just a shit way to waste a day  
But for me this is what I call life.  
  
Finally the ski lift reaches the tower and three royally pissed off bod's jump off. They knock on the ghastly gargoyle knocker and step back and wait. Suddenly they all hear a voice "use the force". Hey sorry wrong story. Legilooloo wonders where the voice is coming from. "Use the damn intercom you creme eggs"  
  
When the fellowship reached the Grand master Clive they were amazed to find he was Bobo's size. "I am your Father Luke, I mean Bobo. Please forgive me for leaving you at the circus but your mother and I couldn't support you." Clive blabbed. "That's what they all say!" Bobo said as he stormed out of the room.  
  
Legilooloo and Dave whistled as they felt a blanket of awkwardness wrap around them. They both went to leave but Clive called them back to explain why they had come. They explained about the glistening, golden donut ring and showed the Grand master the mouldy, green donut. Then Clive began to laugh. "Not that ring you dope on a rope" he chuckled. Grand Alf means the golden ring that has the inscription "huejgs hag dhuy kag lown xjh nak" on it. "What does that mean?" Dave asked "I don't know" said Clive "It was made in Manchester. Anyway, Grand Alf's ring is his most prized possession, surely it would still be on him. Where is he by the way? I don't get much gossip up here on this lonely mountain you know."  
  
They explained how Grand Alf had died and about the sharks etc. "Oh no." Said Clive "I thought we would be searching in a dead mans pockets but this is much worse" "Well Grand Alf was cremated. His ashes were tossed out to sea on a windy day. Unfortunately they flew back in the faces of the mourners but other than that it was a lovely ceremony, with flowers and wine and things. You know." Legilooloo continued. "Any way, back to the matter in hand. This ring must be in .the sharks'. Where are they now?" "They are back at the circus. How will we ever get the ring out of them and how do we know which one it is in?" "We must travel to the place we call.Alf's Circus." Clive announced.  
  
"Mush" Clive called when the fellowship was all on the sleigh. Instead of Wolves the Grand master used Scottish trolls called Jim-lee, Jim bob, Rudolf and John bob. "Mush, Mush is exactly what you'll be getting for dinner if you don't move your flipping behinds."  
  
When they reached the Circus they phoned a vet to see how much it would be to operate on a shark. It was a lot. Let's just say Bobo fell over when he heard oh, actually that doesn't really matter-£8765. There was no way they could afford it. They were kinda hungry and tired so they had TV dinners in front of the TV. They were watching the lottery. "And the numbers are 9 5 11 66 and the bonus ball is 19" "Yes, I've won" Bobo screamed as he leapt into the air. Legilooloo examined his ticket and found he had been holding his ticket upside down. "I've got an idea" Mr. Not just a pretty face exclaimed." Why don't we ask the lottery for a grant?" "As if they would give us bunch of Freaks a grant." Dave said. "Why not fool them into thinking.  
  
"And our £1million grant goes to Bobo, the unfortunate orphaned little man who is too poor to buy any more clothes, so he just doesn't grow." Said Dale Winton before handing a Novelty cheque to Bobo. Bobo fell over under the weight of the cheque and the audience cheered. "Can I see you for coffee after the show?" Dale asked. "Get lost" Bobo screamed as he did a levitation and a really high kick right in Dales shin and legged it into the sunset with the cheque dragging behind him.  
  
"Yahoo" the fellowship cried as they realised that their prayers had been answered. Bobo was so happy he went out and bought lots of donuts. A million pounds worth in fact. When he arrived back the others were absolutely devastated that the world was going to be destroyed cos of Bobo's Donuts, what a donut. They thought. But then Legilooloo had yet another idea. "Why not do it ourselves. How hard can it be to cut up a big fish? We can get Gollum to help. He can have the left over fish for his shop. He can pretend it is cod like most other chippies do." "Cool dude," said Mr cock-up everything.  
  
When the fellowship got to the chippy Bobo ran straight into it and went smack into the door. As he slid down the door he read the sign and it said "Gone to lunch".  
  
"We don't have long till the world looks like one of Galadriel's home cooked dinners," thought Dave.  
  
"Oi I heard that" Galadriel shouted from a far away place, well actually from the dry cleaners next door. She stepped out in jeans and T-shirt muttering, "Damn white dress, stains are a devil to get out of it". "What you doing here Clive?" She said in her north London accent (her posh English accent is just for films.)  
  
"We are saving the world-derrrrrrrrr," Said Legilooloo in a lily savage voice.  
  
"Really? Can I help." Galadriel asked. Obviously she wasn't in one of her moods.  
  
"Sure thing Galadriel," Bobo exclaimed, he knew he couldn't save the world by himself.  
  
"Don't call me Galadriel, that's my stage name shorty. Call me Gally." Said Galadri.err Gally. And so the fellowship was almost complete. Dave the witch doctor, Gally, Legilooloo, Bobo, Grand master Clive and the Scottish trolls Jim Lee, Jim bob, John bob and Rudolf went home to the Circus to devise a plan.  
  
"Shush, please shush. Shut-up you stupid little twits" Clive said as the last paper aeroplane settled on Bobo's desk. "Wasn't me," Bobo said in a shaggy voice. "Now we can begin," Clive said in a condescending tone. He started patting his pockets, sleeves and other areas, like he was looking for something important. Then peculiarly he started to undo his flies and retrieved a large, enormous in fact.pointing stick out.  
  
He extended it and pointed to a plan he had drawn up on the blackboard. On the blackboard were two small mongooses, a Boots sign, evil written in red chalk, and a Haribo ring. Clive explained that to get the ring back we must summon an evil source-the one we call Lurtz, who now works in Boots behind the make up counter. The two mongooses are actually nothing to do with it; Clive just wanted to show off that he could draw mongooses well.  
  
The fellowship was standing outside Boots. Legolas Vegas and Clive were chosen to go in. They drew straws but Legilooloo just went as well because he needed to get some Pantene pro-V. Lurtz was messing about behind the counter, when he appeared Legilooloo gasped. Lurtz used to be a major pretty boy but turned evil after becoming a boy George fan. The make up unfortunately ruined his face because he never washed it off. Luckily when he gave up being evil he had all that knowledge about make up so he was offered a job in Boots. He had a black face, no ears and strange Goth fashion sense.  
  
"Cooey! Lurtz isn't it? Hey we are."  
  
"Oh I think this is your colour, it will draw attention away from your disfigured ears," Lurtz said as he pointed to a midnight Blue eye shadow.  
  
"Oi mate they aren't disfigured they're just." sobbed Legolas as Clive pushed him to one side.  
  
"Ok so Lurtz, I think you know why we're here," Clive said taking care of the situation.  
  
"I don't know what you mean." Lurtz squirmed.  
  
"You know Alf, Grand Alf well he mysteriously died in a paddling pool accident and I think you can help us." Clive continued. Clive then proceeded to explain the quest to find the ring to him.  
  
"So will you join the fellowship?"  
  
"Yes, yes, boy George.I mean by George I will!"  
  
"Wahoooooo" Clive squealed as he jumped in the air. He turned around to face the fellowship outside the shop window and gave them a gay Bobo style thumbs up.  
  
They all went home to the circus to decide how to get the ring out of the shark and to write a shopping list of the tools they would need. They all got bored and decided to have a bath-not together. Lurtz was voted most in need of a bath so he went first. "Don't you dare use my expensive "Le pongee" talcum powder though otherwise I will.err.err.do something bad to you." Legilooloo said trying to sound butch. Zoom in on Lurtz in the shower singing. (Que music) "U.G.L.Y. I ain't got no alibi I'm ugly, yeah yeah I'm ugly." Lurtz comes out wrapped in just a towel with a handprint of Talc on his face. "You didn't use my talc, did you?" Legilooloo asked. "Nooooooo" Lurtz replied looking as innocent as he could. "Oh good. Cos. u see, Bobo always steals it." Legilooloo said as he went into the bathroom.  
  
Suddenly the doorbell on Bobo's camper van rang. He opened it to find Arwen outside. "Can Lurtz come home now because mum is getting worried." She said. "Err.not really cos he is sort of saving the world early in the morning." Bobo replied gob smacked that the beautiful Arwen was standing outside his door. "Oh, not again, this is the third time this week." "Do you err wanna do something err later like only if you want." Bobo stuttered. " Are you asking me on a date shorty?" "Err, yes, what do you say?" "No I'm not going out with an ugly little gnome like you," She said as she kicked him in the face and left. "she touched me." Thought Bobo. And he went to bed.  
  
In the morning everyone was very tired so they had a lie in. When they got up they all bundled into Bobo's mini all ten of them, to go to the chippy. Just then twenty double-glazing sales men appeared (otherwise known as ring wraiths to the fellowship) and they saw the fellowship getting into their car and began to draw closer. "They are just evil souls in black suits, they are trapped in the suits until they can sell some windows, some have been in their suits for over fifty years that's just the lucky ones." Clive said. "Go go go," said Dave. As Bobo sped off into the sunset he could see in the rear view mirror that the ring wraiths were following them and were surrounding them. They went through the forest and through the car park and down the street and finally lost them. When they arrived at the chippy, Gollum grabbed his denim jacket off the side and strolled to the car.  
  
"KAHHOW KYIOUI MSH" Gollum said (how are you?)  
  
"We are fine now get in we need your help." Legilooloo said. The fellowship described the quest again to Gollum and he agreed that he would cut up the shark but he needed to summon help from the mystic forest (I know it sounds corny but that's what it is called.) They had to get appropriate supplies. Bobo being an ex-boy scout knew exactly what to get. At Woolies they got 200g of pic'n'mix, Two boyzone CD's, A comb for Legilooloo and eleven cans of sprite. In the car on the way to the mystic forest they sang a variety of songs. When Bobo had finished singing Freak like me Gollum told of his cousin Trevor who is apparently famous because he was in a sprit advert.  
  
They finally reached the forest and got the camcorder out of the boot. They set up camp under these weird star shape symbols made of sticks hanging from the trees. In the morning they awoke to find that all of the Scottish trolls had gone. Clive was a bit of a wreck but just sat clenching his knees in the corner of the tent, rocking back and forth muttering something about a white figure who was covered in hair, the ugliest thing ever seen. " Must have seen the "Cherie Blair" witch" Bobo thought.  
  
Gollum showed the fellowship to the centre of the forest where his mate Nicoli ivanavich lechosky lived. When they arrived they realised the house was made out of sweets, Haribo and polos made up the doorknocker. Unfortunately Dave ate it so they just had to call for Nicoli to open the door. When they went in, Legilooloo saw that in the back room were a young girl in a cage and a boy in another cage eating lots and lots of food. "I would tell you why they are there but I would have to kill you," Nicoli said as he swiftly closed the door. As the group sat down with the dead shark in a bob the builder back pack Gollum and Nicoli got started straight away.  
  
The ring shined in Gollum's hand. The inscription was still clear. They all thanked Nicoli and went home.  
  
Two towers. Soon it was Christmas. The ring was saved because Bobo had it now and was far too thick to do any big bada boom things with it. For Xmas Bobo got two mongooses, a pair of stilts, four and a half marbles, a candlestick and two crème eggs.  
  
After Christmas school started again. Bobo realised that he had agreed to host two Swedish exchange students. "Here are Mary and Pippa Tower" Mr.boromir said as two extremely tall, blonde, lanky twin girls came into the room. "zey call us zhe, how you say? Two towers" they said in synchronisation. 


End file.
